The last couple of days have been a reality check for me.  It’s not that have denying Josh’s passing into heaven.  However, I’ve been keeping my grief in check by not dwelling on the sorrow too much.  While this can be so helpful in keeping life going for our little family, yet it may also keep me from grieving in a healthy way.  So, I have been opening up to the Lord about my disappointments and taking time in prayer to talk to him about my grief and allowing myself to have sorrow in order to lay it before him.  Recently, I received in the mail a pleasant surprise– a package from Clackamas Bible Church with part one of four booklets on grieving and included a note reminding me that our little family will remain in their prayers.  They plan on mailing the rest throughout the next couple of months.  That means a lot to me. The Lord is using his Chuch body to care for us in many ways. Thank you, CBC!

Our hearts are heavy with sorrow for how things for our family can’t go back to how they were.  The lovely country home we are currently renting is still peaceful, yet feels lonely.  Simple things Josh used to do can sometimes be a challenge, like starting the lawn mower. Lol. Although, God’s Word assures us even this is all for our good, during tragic blows it’s hard to humanly understand this truth. It’s only by faith that we can hold on to God’s promises and cling to his unfailing love. His love was demonstrated in how he freely gave up his only son to die on the cross for people who never deserved it at all. Since we have all sinned and fall short of God’s standard none of us deserves to enter heaven. Yet, God is rich in love and mercy made a way for us to enter his courts above.  “Jesus is the way, the truth and the life” John 14:6  In his death our sins can be atoned for, and in his resurrection, we can live eternally by faith in Jesus. This faith is real and it withstands the testing of trials and adverse waves through the empowerment of walking by faith through his Spirit!

Despite my faith, this still hurts… The pain is real and as I ponder all our hopes and dreams for our family, it breaks my heart that we will not be able to fulfill them together.  Yet, I also realize that through this storm God will work powerfully in pulling me closer to Christ and depending on him and his people.  He wants to renew my strength and change my desires to want him above all earthly things. He will also grant me joy and hope for the unknown future. God promises to comfort the broken-hearted in Matthew 5:3 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

Our church family has been so supportive in many ways! We’ve been keeping busy enjoying fellowship with our church family. Yesterday, we got to spend the day at Lake of the Woods on Tahiti boats! The boys loved it! Even Nathan wanted to stay in the water and fearlessly climbed the boats! Today we went out to the Indian Mary Park with a few other families for a BBQ and games.  It helps the kids cope to get out of the house.  The boys are still struggling, each in his own ways.  Nathan gets sad and misses daddy frequently. Noah tries to be tough.  Many have surrounded us and continue to pour out much love on the boys.  I’m so thankful for each of you! The Church never quite had such a sweet fragrance to me till this season of my life. As a pastors wife engulfed in a life of ministry, sometimes the church didn’t always look so pretty. I now have a deeper appreciation for religion in its purest described in James 1:26 as visiting orphans and widows in their affliction and keeping ourselves unstained by the world.

We are all still a work in progress till we reach glory.  Josh is now enjoying this awesome glory unhindered by his earthly body. We’ve been very interested in reading books about heaven. We got some kids books on heaven like Randy Alcorn’s Heaven for Kids which helped the boys get a better picture of where Daddy is now.  Thank you for your prayers support and encouragement!  We still need prayer, so please keep it coming! 🙂